woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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