i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
