dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Green mimosas i think yes
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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