this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
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I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
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why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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