WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
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