You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
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bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
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No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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