He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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