first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
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