She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
