Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
