would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
