so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
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I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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