my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
