It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
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Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
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Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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