Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
