just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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