I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
