I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
