you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
