The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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