Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
