Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
