I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
