In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
