you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
