who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize