We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
