Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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