I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
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I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
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Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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