He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
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woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
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I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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