Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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