Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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