Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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