Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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