How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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