Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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