I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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