due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
