I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
