I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
