Jerry, you need to find god
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
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No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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