It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
