i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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