the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
