her vagine was all disorganized.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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