I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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