I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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