Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.