I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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