Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
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If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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