fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
