I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
