I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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